Learning to Breathe
by danvseveryone
Summary: Ford hoped the first time Fidds pulled his hair out in his presence would be the last time.


Looking back on it nothing about this day seemed particularly out of the usual but at the time he felt surreal. Like something that would be different years down the line and this would just be a memory to look back on.

It was coming to the end of the week, neither Fidds nor Ford had slept in four days rushing to get through the final exams that ended up stacking on top of each other. The tension was beginning to unwind for Ford with the first break in months just around the corner, a well deserved break from the non stop onslaught of work they had been piling on themselves since the beginning of the semester.

Ford could tell the stress was starting to make his room mate begin to crack a little around the edges though. Before the crunch to finish the last few essays and cram in just another round of studying in before the date of the tests arrived, Fidds would rise early, tidy up their living space and great Ford's morning grumpiness with a bright smile and a warm cup of coffee. The coffee was still made in time but Fidds's smile had become worn and tacked on before slowly disappearing entirely behind his text books.

Taking half the amount of classes as Ford himself was taking, he had to wonder why he was doing this to himself, he had to have those seven text books memorized by now and each re read of his research paper was met with a new rewrite that Ford wasn't sure needed to be done. When he opened his mouth to ask that weary smile would always meet him and Fidds would respond it never hurt to recheck and revise his work.

The weather had begun to change earlier then Ford had expected, but in hindsight he should have been smart enough to pack heavier winter gear then just a few sweat shirts. Fidds had offered him a hand me down over sized jacket but Ford quickly declined it knowing it was his only one. The furnace had gone out in their building and Ford noticed the jacket hardly came off his friend. His knee constantly bouncing as he sat huddled against the wall on his bed, his worn text books and dozens of crumpled up pieces of paper scattered around him.

Ford felt a deep sense of pity taking him in this morning as he poured his own coffee for the first time in months. Fidds had large bags under his eyes curled up in the same spot Ford had seen him last before laying down for a little while to get some rest before tackling another subject. Text book open on his lap and a pen tapping against the note book next to him.

He didn't seem to notice Ford staring at him like he usually did so enamored by his studying. Ford cleared his throat loudly making Fidds jump in surprise, his text book sliding off his lap and slamming shut next to him, his cheeks beginning to redden in embarrassment getting jumpy like that.

"I'm going to be heading to the library soon–" Ford began and Fidds began to perk up a little, that bright smile he hadn't seen in a few days making the words falter in his mouth.

"I'll be heading there soon as well," Fidds began jumping up and gathering his books into his old leather bag held together by a few too many patches. Fidds had told him on more then one occasion how this was a lucky bag that he had inherited from his grandfather. It had saved him from the bullets that would have landed him in a body bag during WW1and was saving Fidds himself from failing he'd been told on more then once when he offered to get him a new bag.

"Just give me a sec—"

Fidds didn't get to finish his sentence as Ford handed him a glass of coffee with enough sugar to make Ford's teeth hurt, he preferred his coffee strong and black without his caffeine being deluded by so much sugar.

With one sip, Fidds tense shoulders began to ease and he sank back down on his bed, letting his half packed bag fall on the floor. The latch broke open as it often did, a gurgled swear fell out Fidds's mouth choking on his coffee and spilling a large amount on his chest as he tried to dive to collect the papers that spilled out of his 'lucky' bag.

Ford noticed the tears beginning to collect in the corner of his friend's eyes and the way his knee bounced was making Fidds body quake, his coffee spilling out slightly on his pant leg as he shoved his books back in his bag.

Ford gently took the coffee back from his friend and placed his hand on his shoulder trying to give him some comfort, Fidds forced out a smile as he excused himself from the room and entered the bathroom.

Ford straightened his books and papers out while he was away seeing the way they had just been crammed into the bag barely holding itself together by the seams.

He sat at the edge of his bed waiting for him to return, in that time actually considering forgoing his own studying in favor of doing something to help his friend unwind and relax to take his mind off of the stress. They could go see that movie Fidds had been excited about, the one about wars in the stars or something like that.

The minutes crept by slowly, Ford was becoming worried hearing nothing from the bathroom. He debated his next course of action before rapping lightly on the bathroom door, looking impatient or foolish felt better then not knowing what was going on behind that door. Fidds had been acting strange lately and something was making his stomach tie itself into a knot fearing the consequences of ignoring whatever was going on. Fidds was the only true friend he had ever had and he didn't want to lose him to anything.

He heard Fidds's soft, erratic breathing on the other side of the door and he didn't stop to think about his actions, he just took a deep breath, took a few steps back and then rammed into the closed door. Fidds terrified shriek accompanied the loud deafening boom as he crashed the door down.

It wasn't quite the hero's rescue Ford may have thought it would have be after tripping over himself after his clumsy entrance. As he rose sheepishly from the ground he couldn't take his eyes off the fistful of hair in each of Fidds's shaking, clamped shut hands.

Fidds didn't respond to the action he lowered his hands into his lap and averted his eyes from Ford, his face somehow managing to turn a brighter red in his shame.

Neither said anything to the other, both caught up in their own embarrassment. Ford was the first to find the courage to speak, clearing his throat first making Fidds knee bop up and down faster.

"Are you ok...?"

Fidds didn't answer, he just kept his head down watching his knee bounce. Ford silently sat next to him on the rim of the bath tub, taking in the large wad of hair he had ripped out himself. Fidds noticing his gaze, tightened the fists in his lap turning his knuckles white, still refusing to meet Ford's concerned stare or speak and when he did finally speak it wasn't exactly what Ford expected.

"The door wasn't locked."

"Wha..?"

"The door," Fidds quickly cut him off before he could continue whatever he was going to say, "I didn't lock it. Ya didn't need to knock it down...I'm really sorry my stupid behavior is gonna get ya in trouble with yer pa for paying money over something this stupid..."

"Fidds...that doesn't-" Began even if his own heart was beginning to race at the very thought of his father finding out about his impulsive and reckless action costing him money. His father never took it well when he lost any of his earnings but not wanting to upset his friend further he took a deep breath and swallowed that thought for now, he would worry about it later.

"No, it does," his voice was beginning to crack the longer he talked, tears finally breaking past his eyes, "I'm sorry."

"I just came in here to calm down a minute, I promise I wasn't gonna do nothin'."

"You PULLED out your hair..."

"I'm sorry ya had to see that, I really am," he sobbed out turning away from Ford, "It just happens sometimes..."

"Why..?" This was one of the few instances in his life Ford didn't have the answer to solve a problem. He didn't like seeing his friend this way, upset and suffering from something he didn't completely understand and trying to hide it to keep suffering with whatever was upsetting him alone.

"I just..." Fidds began before stopping taking a deep shaking breath then just said nothing. Ford rested his hand on top of one of Fidds's bouncing knees trying to help ground him. The action seemed to help a little as Fidds took a deep, shaky breath before trying to tell his friend what was bothering him.

"I don't want to fail...my folks put a lot on the line to get me to this school...to give me this chance and I don't want to disappoint them..."

"Fidds... You are top of all of your classes!" Ford would have laughed during any normal circumstances.

The minutes crept by as they once more fell into the silence and Ford wrapped his arm around Fidds thin shoulders and let him rest his head on his shoulders, trying to give him as much comfort as possible.

"I can relate on some level..." Ford finally broke the silence gaining Fidds's full attention, "I can't bear the idea of failure either but it's going to be ok Fidds, you don't have to suffer alone."

He pulled his friend a little closer trying to be as comforting as he possibly could.

"I'll help you work through your problems like I taught myself to when I feel overwhelmed."

Fidds finally smiled and something in Ford was put at ease by the small action.

(I think this may be the last one shot I post here. I just don't really get any attention on this website and it feels like a waste of time. Please just go to my A03 ( /users/dan_vs92/pseuds/dan_vs92) for all my work. I will only be posting my longer stories here, that are safe for work from now on. I have been using this website since I was a child so I'm not abandoning it completely but its too much for me to keep posting things I work hard on and get no attention for it.)


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